Sunday, August 19, 2007
things i have done to prove something to you:
learned how to cook basic meals
taught myself how to transport myself all over town
learned how to get things done independently
stopped cutting
got my brother home safely, fed, and to bed without aid
learned how to drive
gotten pretty amazing grades
things i seem to have proved to you:
-sigh- i'm so proud of myself for so many things but i feel completely unrecognized. i always, always feel like my brother gets more recognition than me. granted, he's got lower standards for a lot of reasons, but... FUCK. i'm so frustrated. i'm proud of myself, because i'm driving well. school's started and i'm definitely not flipping out yet. i've adopted a new attitude regarding math. i've adopted a new attitude regarding life. and what do i get? "i'm glad you didn't crash into that car." "i don't actually believe that you're happy right now." thanks. fuck. thanks.
grr. more later.
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Monday, August 13, 2007
school: not so bad.
there, i said it. now tomorrow's going to fucking suck. just watch. god hates me.
R1 - Alg2 (Rash); he doesn't make eye contact with me, and won't talk to me. and i'm totally cool with that. i'll do my work, i'll take notes, and he will not be able to bitch about me at all. HA.
R2 - CompProg (Dallman); pretty cool guy. the only catch is that it's all MST sophomores, and none of them want to take the class, whereas it's kinda like my wet dream. (binary? fuck yeah.)
R3 - ASL2 (Dawn); need i say more? i really like the deaf freshman this year, especially the one who sits across from me and comments on the teacher's every word. i love him. <3
R4 - USHistory (Taylor); again, do i need to say more? it's taylor! hearts. seriously, he's pretty fucking awesome. and straightforward. i'm good with that.
it's 9:00 and i'm really, really tired. i need a good book to read... i think i'm going to work on that.
don't hold out any hope for me until tomorrow's post, which will probably be all emo I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL and jazz. hah.
"dissociation: separating oneself from parts of your life." much better than cutting - no one can tell i'm doing it!
<3
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Wednesday, August 8, 2007
"Fives with dominant Four wing
fcking enneagram
The Four wing produces an emotional "charge" that complements the five's mental intensity. They are emotionally sensitive and easily overwhelmed, yet at the same time driven to explore their emotional landscapes, often by deliberately entering dark, esoteric, or disturbing arenas of thoughts. Compared to 5w6's, 5w4's have a more intuitive, non-rational approach to knowledge, which can lead to both aesthetic awareness and open defiance of established ideas. They can be compulsively individualistic in their thoughts at the expense of their usefulness or social implications, and then look distantly down at those whom they "left behind" as they bask in more fantastical and otherworldly speculations. Their emotions, at the same time, agitate, stoke, and unsettle their ideas, imbuing them with a dreamlike, sometimes nightmarish quality."
i am extremely uncomfortable with this paragraph. i am uncomfortable because i'm terrified. and i'm terrified because i can't say. and i'm so, so... angry. and disturbed. and i'm scared of being judged. and i'm so, so disturbed.
i read something along these lines at a borders today, in a psychology text. i was sitting with a friend joking about how weirdly accurate and slightly disturbing this was, and i just had to walk out when i read this. i walked away from our corner but i really wanted to walk off of the building. at least a long, long way away from wherever i am.
in absence of cutting, my coping skill is running away as fast as i can. i am blunt and standoffish about most things, and to most people. i don't really seem like the kind of person to run from fights.
i want to run away as fast as i can.
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.
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Tuesday, August 7, 2007
is my japanese smiley
(@_@)
my stripper song is
Britney Spears - I'm a Slave 4 U
my exotic dancer name is
Lolita
my sex appeal is
73% - extremely high
"you're very sexy. you just have that certain something that takes over a room. you know how to attract, entice, and keep whoever you want. you are truly appealing."
my girl parts are named
tinkleflower
my boobies' names are
silk & satin
i'm not sure there's enough there to count as two...
am i hot?
i am smokin' hot
my pickup line is
"is that a keg in your pants? cause i'm trying to tap that."
my love style is
ludus. i like to think of love as the ultimate game.
my lust quotient is
48% - "You are definitely a lustful person, but you do a good job of hiding it."
my thoughts are rated
NC-17
...and just in case it wasn't obvious
i date like a man...
--
not high, just bored. :P and doing my best to stay cheerful. i'm so not-tired, but i'm exhausted. does that make sense?
i definitely must start calling my womenly parts tinkleflower. ha.
<3
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Tuesday, August 7, 2007
interesting:
"Limbic"
http://cityculture.org/global5/limbic.html
"easily hurt, does not keep emotions under control, envious, quick tempered, can't do anything when they don't feel good, emotional, bitter, attracted to things associated with sadness, has love/hate relationships with most things, sabotages self, more doubt than belief, thinks the world is a dangerous place, searches for identity, fears having no identity, suspicious of others, more past than future, desires security and support, fears being without guidance, familiar with the role of victim, hypersensitive, defensive, dependent on the support and nurturance of others, more feeling than doing, dislikes change, more likely to want a tattoo, can be hurtful, prefers to stick with things they know, wants to feel loved, fears being unwanted or unworthy of love, wants to enhance their self esteem, more likely to have taken anti depressants, prefers instant gratification, has trouble speaking when emotional"
--
it's creepy how many of those match me pretty well. i italicized the ones i think are particularly ME, and i striked the ones that aren't really.
i've come to the conclusion, regarding the question "do you like change?" that it's just that i like to know what's going on. if things change without me knowing or without everyone knowing what's going on, that's not okay. but radical change that i know is happening, especially if i have control of it, is fine. my parents suddenly deciding to up and move somewhere is not good change because i have no control over it and there's a good chance that i won't be told the circumstances and reasoning. however, just me getting up and going is perfectly fine: i'm in control, i know what's going on with me. i think this is part of the reason also that i'm so ocd in other people's houses: i've got to keep control of something. places i'm more familiar with, i know what's going on, i don't need so much to rearrange and clean.
i think this can probably be summed up by saying that i'm a control freak. not necessarily over other people, just myself. i'm completely not okay with things happening to me that i have no control over. and while i do sometimes becoming domineering and the leader, sometimes bossy, in social situations -- it's because i feel threatened somehow. because i need to be in control of myself & my environment.
besides that recent revelation, i also realized how much of a polar emotional person i am. i do have love/hate relationships with almost everything, including people. some close friends, mostly amanda, i've mostly overcome the hate part and it's just love, but pretty much everything/one else... nyeh. and it's usually not even in the middle. it's "i'm fucking obsessed with you and i love you" or "fuck you i hate you and never want to see you again." mostly.
my brother wants to go bowling today. i do, kind of. but i feel depressed so i don't really feel like moving. but that's okay. i'm gonna go bowling. whee. i think tomorrow after band, steph & i are going to go hang out in the psychology section of borders and discover things about ourselves. (yes, this is how we spend our time.) also eating at amazing places on 4th street live. score!
<3
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Wednesday, August 1, 2007
"Put your hands into the fire ...
Turning white and senses dire ...
From one extreme to another"
Thirteen Senses - Into the Fire
i feel a lot like this. (i removed some lines inbetween.) i keep doing really, really stupid things to hurt myself. i always do it intentionally, but i don't always think about what i'm doing. and i've got to stop, i know i need to. bending my toe to see how long it can go before it goes numb? unintentional, but dangerous. no sunblock? completely intentional, but relatively harmless on the surface. putting my arms on the hot cymbal? completely intentional and a sign of bad things to come.
today was not really good, for a lot of reasons. for one, i was made to realize that i just can't do pit by myself. i'm too uneducated, i don't have experience, and i just all around don't know what i'm doing. for another, just fuck my raging hormones. (read: lust.) and on top of everything, i'm just generally unstable and i spent today ricocheting between elated and awful and excited and completely fucked!
every time i hear a "back-to-school" ad, i cringe and want to cry. i'm dreading it so much. i'm trying so hard to stay safe and keep going and not let myself fall. i'm looking desperately for a distraction, besides people and CSI. (again with the raging hormones.)
there are also guys flirting with me. (i think.) which is odd, because one of them is totally cute, but... that's about it. i feel kind of flattered, but not the same as even when i think about certain girls that are straight and taken anyway. it's all kind of comical, because i'm not completely sure he's flirting with me, but... i don't know. and at the same time i'm working out how to approach a girl who's probably straight? it's comical. there should be more screenplays about this type of thing. and hopefully, if i act antisocial and slightly angry, i won't have to find out if i'm right or wrong and won't have to make excuses.
which also brings me to another comical point. (unlike most posts, this one seems to be getting better rather than worse.) on monday, i had dinner with steph & bunni, and we started talking about acne and how it would be nice if it left me alone. and so steph suggested birth control, to regulate hormones and stuff. and that seems like a good suggestion to me, but... how am i supposed to bring up this subject with my parents? "hi, i need birth control." probably not good. steph suggested leading up to the subject, but i'm not good at that. "i'm lesbian. and i need birth control." which brings up very funny images. but i don't think that would fly, either. so, uh. yeah.
things that would help my stress greatly:
1. finding someone for pit
2. going to orientation, getting my schedule, and starting school
3. avoiding certain topics, certain people, and certain situations
4. reducing social stress without blocking off contact
okay, game plan: 8 is a bad number. 8 months, therefore, is not a good record to set for longest time without cutting. so i've got three weeks to find a better reason not to cut. also, school isn't going to be as bad as i think, and i know this. i've got amanda & steph & my therapist & an arsenal of drugs. everything's good. and lastly, i've got to tell someone to keep certain things out of my reach. no alcohol, no unregulated meds whatsoever. and i need to do this while i'm not high or low.
i feel better. my emotions are flipping out but i'm staying rational. i think i'm okay.
--
Sunday, July 8, 2007
a list of things i should say to people, but probably aren't going to. it was born last night when i couldn't sleep, and i think maybe it will help me feel better. (and maybe i'll be able to tell some of these people things.) whatever it is, it's probably not you. several of these are to multiple people and/or god(-thing). ...and it seemed much more powerful last night at 3am. heh.
should, but won't
i wish you weren't straight.
i'm glad you're bitchy & have a boyfriend, because i like you a lot.
you spent too long pretending like nothing was wrong.
i wish you hadn't known me during that part of my life.
you're the reason i had panic attacks every time the phone rang.
(i wish i realized that earlier.)
i'm immensely glad you're out of my life.
i wish we were closer friends.
i blame you for all my problems. (5th grade teacher.)
i've lied to you about so many things. i'm sorry.
after you said that, i came home and cried.
i'm scared to tell you how much of a geek i am.
at all costs, i will not become like you.
i'm scared to like you because of our relationship.
(but i really think i do.)
(...but i doubt myself & my feelings also.)
no matter how much you deny it, i wish i had your life.
(but i would never wish mine upon you.)
if you ever ask me about this, i'm sure i'll end up telling you the truth.
i wish you'd get a boyfriend so maybe i would stop liking you.
you have made me feel more love & more hate for you than anyone else.
i wasn't joking.
i love you.
--
Sunday, June 3, 2007
transcription for vlog #2: here.
transcription
hi, my name is kathryn and this is my second vlog. i want to talk about my physical health, school, and this summer.
health:
i went to the doctor today to talk about my knee, because it hurts a lot. it's weird because when i climb steps, my knee dislocates... really weird. so i talked to my doctor and he said it's because my right leg is longer than my left leg. which is really weird.
when i was little, my doctor told me about this problem, but said i will grow out of it, so it won't be a problem [in the future]. really weird (again, lol.)
my doctor now says i should be fine, but he's sending me to an orthopedist, a bone doctor, and i will see him in a few weeks.
other than that, my health is good. i'm eating well, but not exercising enough because i hurt too much. i just can't walk a lot because it hurts, [which sucks because] i like to walk places after school, but i can't right now. so the doctor will help a lot, and i think he will fix [my leg problem].
school:
school is almost finished, i have three days. i'm really excited because i'm so tired of school, but i'm finished now!
i have four classes per day, so i have one more white day set of classes. (explanation:) like monday and friday are the same classes, but thursday is different.
i'm really happy because i hate white day classes, they're harder. i have french, english, biology, and world history, i hate it.
but... almost finished!
i think my grades are okay, but i'm not really sure. i'm a little worried about because i'm not working very hard.
really, i just need to finish now. there's so much stress, my teachers, friends, everyone.
almost finished! three days
so tired.
this summer:
i'm really excited because i'm doing a lot...
i'm going to canada in june. i'm excited because we're going to go to niagara falls. then ontario [and montreal], where they speak french. my mom speaks french, so we will be fine. if i went alone, id be so confused...
end.
it cuts off there. ;; sorry. it's a five minute limit i guess, for photobucket. i kept talking for a while after that, so you should be thankful. XD ...um, and the brackets () and [] are just things that might not be evident so much in the text, but i think they are when signed.
it's surprisingly hard to transcribe it... like not hard so much as weird. and not weird so much as just... eh. harder than i expected. i had to write everything down in bits and pieces, and i only wrote down the signs with very little grammar or articles. then i expanded it here to make more sense... it's weird. it makes perfect sense to me signed, but when written down it's really not the whole effect. hm.
anyway... i did this a while ago, so. heh. school's out now, thank god.
<3
--
Sunday, May 27, 2007
woo. i archived all of my old crap, because it's summer now. school's over! new chapter of my life. (i'm a fucking junoir!)
however, i do need to quote this:
you rock, don't ever change. lay off the exacto knife, though... even on top of the eiffel tower. don't jump, either... you might hit someone below. a deserted bridge would be much better. see you next year.
isn't that insanely awesome? he and i have a love-hate relationship. he's offended me a few times, occasionally seriously, but it's okay. he makes up for it with things like that. :P i'm not sure why i love that so much, but i do.
that also stands in stark contrast to my earlier posts (which i was reading today), in which a threat like that really would have been taken seriously. a few months ago i really did want to jump off a bridge (deserted or not, heh.) it's nice to be able to joke about that.
but in other news... i made a vlog and i'm working on getting it captioned. it's much better quality than the last one because i understand my movie-editing program better.
on june 19, it will be six months without cutting. (and i have no desire to break that!) i'm so, so happy and proud of myself. i've talked to a few people who've known me through most of this, and everyone agrees that i'm so much better now. i'm so proud of myself.
i don't think i have much more to say. (i mean, of course i do, but... i'll stop.) i just want to say goodbye to all of the seniors who graduated on friday. i guess i got pretty close to class of '07, because there are a lot of people i'm going to miss. most namely, mike, who i've gotten very close to and will miss. <3 other than that... ha. i'm a junior now, and looking forward to getting through the next few years without any breakdowns.
<3
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